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EVENTS AND INFORMATION.
Sundays at 4 p.m.
Lakehouse in Laureate Park
MARKET MONDAY AT LAKE NONA YMCA
Mondays from 4:30-8 p.m.
Lake Nona YMCA | 9055 Northlake Parkway
LAKE NONA NIGHTS: LIVE + LOCAL
Live music, food trucks, and a farmer’s market
Thursdays from 6 - 8 p.m.
Laureate Park Village Center | 8601 Tavistocks Lake
YOGA NONA SPONSORED BY LAKE NONA LIFE
Saturdays at 9 a.m.
Crescent Park in Laureate Park | 8374 Upper Perse
BACK TO NATURE FARMER’S MARKET
Saturdays from 9 a.m.-1 p.m.
Valencia College | 12350 Narcoossee Boulevard
1 National Running Day
2 Eagle Creek Elementary Artistocats performance at 6 p.m.
3 Lake Nona High School Class of 2016 Graduation Ceremony
4 Moss Park Elem’s Gifted Class’s Pet-Pawloosa Event
5 Lake Nona Concert Series at Crescent Park
6 D Day, WWII
8 Last Day of School for OCPS
14 Flag Day
17 National Flip Flop Day - Visit Tropical Smoothie Café for a special deal
19 Father’s Day
20 Summer Solstice (The Longest Day of the Year!)
21 Lake Nona Jr. Lions/USTA Pilot Demonstration
YEAH, NONE OF THIS GARBAGE IS TRUE EITHER.
Domestic Dispute 10:00pm–Police
were dispatched to a domestic dispute
at a Southeast Orlando home. The re-
sponding officers reported that the
occupants of the home had just com-
pleted a Star Wars marathon when an
argument began over who shot first,
Han Solo or Greedo. The argument es-
calated over who was the biggest whin-
er: Anakin, Luke, or Ben. One arrest
was made when officers discovered an
unregistered light saber.
Missing Person 6:00pm–A Lake Nona
parent called police to report her teen-
age daughter had been missing for
several hours. Responding officers
conducted a search of the neighbor-
hood with the assistance of several
neighbors. The parents were embar-
rassed when the teen was finally lo-
cated sleeping under a pile of her own
Suspicious Activity 7:35pm–Offic-
ers responded to a suspicious person
call in Southeast Orlando. Witnesses
claimed to see a man walking around
the neighborhood looking at houses.
He was described as “ridiculously pho-
togenic.” Investigators don’t have much
to go on, but his police artist’s sketch is
now the No. 1 most viewed profile on
A local homeowners’ association
is so tired of taking complaints about
residents who don’t clean up after
their dogs, it’s taking drastic meas-
ures. HOA spokesperson Ty Redovit
explained, “We receive so many com-
plaints that we knew we had to take
action. Beginning June 5th, the asso-
ciation will require all dog owners to
submit stool samples from their dogs.
Each sample will be DNA tested and
catalogued. That way, anytime some-
one doesn’t clean up after their dog, a
sample can be sent to the lab and the
rightful owner identified.”
The plan has been named Ca-
nine Residue Abatement Program, or
C.R.A.P. We got our hands on the C.R.A.P.
for a closer inspection. The C.R.A.P. will
be led by a Special High Intensity Team
of neighborhood volunteers. The team
will undergo rigorous Special High In-
tensity Training before beginning their
roles. Upon completion of their train-
ing, they will be certified Special High
Intensity Technicians and will com-
mence instituting C.R.A.P. throughout
The C.R.A.P goes on to state, “As
with all HOA violations, the first viola-
tion will be a written warning or Spe-
cial High Intensity Ticket. With any
subsequent violations, owners will
incur increasing fines starting at $50
and escalating to $500 per occurrence.”
The association’s board of directors will
meet next week to consider a proposal
to leave flaming bags of excrement on
an offending owner’s doorstep after the
fifth violation. This response has been
dubbed Drastic Excrement Elimina-
tion Program C.R.A.P. The C.R.A.P. also
states violations occurring on Sundays
will be dubbed Horribly Outrageous
Leftover Yard C.R.A.P.
Redovit went on to say, “There are
checks and balances built into the
C.R.A .P. Homeowners who believe
they’ve been falsely accused may file
an appeal by declaring Badly Unjusti-
fied Libelous Lunacy C.R.A.P. Upon re-
ceiving the completed B.U.L.L. C.R.A.P.
form, the Special High Intensity Tsar
will compare it to the Special High In-
tensity Tracking database before issu-
ing a final ruling.”
Residents’ reactions were under-
standably mixed. Ida Steptinit was
wholeheartedly in favor of the C.R.A.P.
She said, “Finally, some C.R.A.P I can
support. It’s about time they did some-
thing about this.” Homeowner Hugh G.
Pyle wasn’t so sure. He said, “I can’t be-
lieve this C.R.A.P. This is absolute Spe-
cial High Intensity Tax.”
Ty Redovit concluded, “Our home-
owners asked for our help, so this
C.R.A.P is here to stay. If this Special
High Intensity Tracking doesn’t resolve
the issue, we’ll have no choice but to
escalate to a full blown Special High
Intensity Tsunami storm, and nobody
wants to see that.”
Disclaimer: The Scallion and Scallion Police Blot-
ter are ridiculous attempts at humor and are
complete horse hockey, guano, or bovine excre-
ment. If you believe any of this, you may require
Special High Intensity Therapy. Good luck with
HOA Takes Drastic
Steps To Cut the Crap
NORM DE PLUME
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30 JUNE 2016
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