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Sundays at 4 p.m.
Lakehouse in Laureate Park
MARKET MONDAY AT LAKE NONA YMCA
Mondays from 4:30-8 p.m.
Lake Nona YMCA | 9055 Northlake Parkway
LAKE NONA NIGHTS: LIVE + LOCAL
Live music, food trucks, and a farmer’s market
Thursdays from 6-8 p.m.
Crescent Park in Laureate Park | 8374 Upper Perse
YOGA NONA SPONSORED BY LAKE NONA LIFE
Saturdays at 9 a.m.
Crescent Park in Laureate Park | 8374 Upper Perse
BACK TO NATURE FARMER’S MARKET
Saturdays from 9 a.m.-1 p.m.
Valencia College | 12350 Narcoossee Boulevard
2 The Great American Block Party at Lake Nona Town Center at 6 p.m.
4 Independence Day
10 Lake Nona Concert Series: Danny Jordan Jazz Quintet at 5 p.m.
11 Nona Art Walk at the Monday Market
11 7-Eleven Free Slurpee Day
14 Bastille Day
17 National Ice Cream Day
22 Leave Your Kids the Memories, Not the Mess at 9:30 a.m .
Researchers in Medical City are
making groundbreaking advancements
toward reversing a decade-long increase
in the number of diagnosed cases of the
disease Narcissista Absurdum. To learn
more about the disease and the progress
being made, we spoke with Medical City
spokesperson, Ima Write. Write said,
“This has been a long and arduous jour-
ney that required cooperation among
multiple medical disciplines.”
At first, the problem was thought
to be behavioral, but the psychiat-
ric community was quick to absolve
themselves. Speaking at a 2010 world-
wide symposium, American Psychi-
atric Society Chief, Dr. Cy Kotic, said,
“We’ve never seen anything spread this
quickly in the psychiatric community.
Seriously, when we saw Instagram pic-
tures of grandma in full duckface, we
knew the problem was way beyond our
scope. That’s when we knew we needed
to refer the issue to our partners in the
medical research field.”
“We were quite alarmed how viru-
lent this strain of narcissism was,” Write
said. “We even consulted with the Cent-
ers for Disease Control and Prevention
and the World Health Organization just
to ensure it wasn’t an unknown virus.
Their tests proved inconclusive, but
they were relatively confident it wasn’t
an airborne pathogen.”
Research then shifted toward the
field of human genetics. Dr. Gene
Gnome led a team of geneticists try-
ing to determine if we were seeing the
beginning of a genetic mutation that
could doom humanity. Dr. Gnome said,
“When we began our work, we were
genuinely concerned that a Narcissista
Absurdum mutation could irrepara-
bly harm our entire species, rendering
future generations unable to look up
from their mobile devices even long
enough to procreate. Fortunately, we
saw no evidence of a genetic mutation,
so we turned to our colleagues in the
In 2013, Orlando’s Medical City be-
came the epicenter of Narcissista Ab-
surdum research. Dr. Ben X. Perimentin
said, “We knew time was of the essence,
so we worked around the clock. In late
2014, we began Beta testing an early
version of the vaccine that was show-
ing real promise until we saw our test
subjects’ Facebook pages festooned
with countless selfies and even a few
keg stands. So, we redoubled our efforts
and soon had an improved vaccine.”
Clinical trials of the efficacy of the
2nd version of the vaccine is showing
great progress in reducing the number
of Selfies Per Hour (SPH) and have al-
most completely eradicated duckface.
“We’ve partnered with a leading phar-
maceutical company for widespread dis-
tribution once we achieve FDA approval.
The vaccine will be marketed under the
brand name Normala and advertised in
Self magazine.” Dr. Perimentin expects
few people will ask for it voluntarily.
“Most of our patients will undoubtedly
come to us via some pretty aggressive
family interventions,” he said.
Negative side effects of Normala
seem to be minimal, if any. Patients
have reported being generally happier
without the need to incessantly check
their social media sites for likes, fol-
lowers, or even retweets. Some patients
have even reported regaining a feeling
of actual compassion and caring for
people other than themselves, though
Disclaimer: The Scallion is a ridiculous attempt
at humor, or humorous absurdum if you prefer.
Any similarity to any psychiatrist, geneticist, or
biomedical researcher is completely coinciden-
tal. If you need help understanding this concept,
please consult your favorite medical profes-
sional for a generous supply of the new drug,
Medical City at Forefront of Fight
Against Narcissism Epidemic
NORM DE PLUME
Food Truck & Catering Service
See what our friends are saying!
"I fell in love with the grilled cheese sandwich all over again! I ordered the
Buffalo Chicken grilled cheese...melty, gooey deliciousness! The meal was
full of flavor and well worth the (very reasonable) price."
Check us out on Facebook or Twitter!
this is considered anecdotal until more
data is received.
We spoke with a few residents in
nearby Lake Nona and found reaction
to be mixed. Anita Celphy said, “I don’t
see what the big deal is. So I take a few
dozen selfies a day and post them on
Instagram and Facebook. My friends
must want more because they keep lik-
ing them.” Candice B. Fureal had a dif-
fering opinion. She said, “This madness
has to stop. I’ve had to unfollow and
even unfriend more and more people
because of the endless selfies. It can’t
come soon enough. If it continues, I’ll
have no friends left.”
When asked if there were similar
vaccines in the pipeline, Dr. Perimentin
said, “If the trials of this vaccine con-
tinue as expected, we’ll begin work on
a vaccine to reduce the biggest problem
plaguing the restaurant business today,
taking dozens of pictures of your food
before eating it. Call me a dreamer,” he
continued, “but who knows, in a few
years we might even be able to have a
nice family dinner where people actu-
ally make eye contact and have pleas-
30 JULY 2016
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